How To Be Kinder To Yourself (And Calm Your Inner Critic)


More and more in my daily life, I notice people are talking about kindness.  Be kind to others. Practice kindness. Get involved in random acts of kindness.  Be kind.  You don’t need a reason to be kind. And so on.

It’s wonderful to practice kindness!  But I wonder… you extend that kindness to yourself?  We can be so kind to others, and yet still treat ourselves as if we are worthless.  Why is that ok?

As children, we often create certain ‘beliefs’  from various situations and people in our lives.  For instance, I learned that if I didn’t do everything perfectly and be the perfect child, I would not be safe.  I don’t even think that was a lesson that was verbally spoken to me – it was a lesson that learned from watching the world around me, I think.  As children there are so many beliefs that we form to stay safe, to please someone, to gain attention…and when we can’t live up to those perfect ways of being, we develop this inner critic that constantly reminds us that we’re stupid, or not enough, or that we’ll never get it right….and on and on…

And so, while we seem to be perfectly able to show kindness outwards, it seems sometimes impossible to afford ourselves that same courtesy.  How can change this, so that we can learn to be kind and loving to ourselves in each and every circumstance?  Here are 3 ways to change your way of being with yourself:

1.  Accept yourself, just as you are, right in this moment.  Learning to be ok with who you are, recognizing that you are trying your best, and accepting yourself, right here, right now,  is going to go a long way in helping you practice kindness – toward yourself.  Giving yourself permission to Just BE can bring a huge sense of relief to our lives, and enable us to move toward more and more self kindness.

2.  Decide.  Wake up in the morning and decide that just for today, you will treat yourself with kindness.  Then, become aware of your  thoughts.  If it helps, keep a small notebook and write them down over the day.  Whenever you catch yourself thinking a troubling thought, stop yourself – and try to change that thought into a positive.  For example – I will never be enough becomes I AM enough just as I am.  Begin to catch and change each of these thoughts.

3.    Try to view your inner critic as a frightened child.  That frightened child has formed beliefs that might have served them when they were young, but are not serving you today.  Try to catch yourself  when you have unkind thoughts toward yourself.  Ask yourself, is this really true about me?  Or is this just a frightened child, trying to keep me safe?  If you can begin to view that frightened part of yourself as a child – ask yourself – would I speak to a child the way I speak to myself?

Start on the road to self-love by practicing these 3 small steps, with consistency.  Don’t worry if you ‘don’t do it right’ – the whole secret to travelling the road to self – love is loving and accepting yourself even when mistakes happen, or you’re not doing as good as you think you ‘should’.  Erasing ‘should, ought to, supposed to, have to’ and anything similar will be important on this journey




You Are Right Where You Are Meant To Be

your journey



I believe that everything happens for a reason.  Not everyone believes that, I am certain, but I do.  Perhaps it is because I choose to learn lessons from both the good times and the bad times in my life.  So I see the bad times not as being cursed or having bad luck, but as an opportunity to grow and learn something I might need to learn from that situation.

Do you believe you are, right now, in the exact place you are meant to be?  Whether it be a good time, or a bad time, can you accept that life if offering you a lesson to learn?  I think that how we view the different times in our lives makes a big difference in how we navigate the good – and the bad.

For a time after my divorce, I believed that my ex-husband felt cheated out of a number of years of his life – as if our marriage had been a big mistake to him and he lost that time.  I still don’t know if my perception is true, or just a fear I had….but I never once thought of those years as a ‘mistake’.  We had many happy years, but even in the unhappy ones, as painful as they were, I’ve never believed they were a waste of my time.  I believe we go through things in our lives, and while sometimes we do create our own pain, there is always a gift that we can take away from that difficult time…if we look for it.

Consider the possibility that one of our challenges in learning self care is accepting where we are ‘in the moment’.  Be present.  Be mindful.  Don’t always be looking behind, wishing for the past, or looking ahead, longing for the future.  Can we be here, in this present moment?  Can we accept ourselves just as we are, no matter where we find ourselves right now?  That is our challenge, and our strength.